Download PDF by Jon Frost: Anything to Declare?: The Searching Tales of an HM Customs

By Jon Frost

ISBN-10: 1472109422

ISBN-13: 9781472109422

ISBN-10: 1472109449

ISBN-13: 9781472109446

In greater than twenty years, Jon Frost has labored with the mad, the undesirable, the courageous, the silly, the magnificent, and the heroic. In his time as a uniformed officer Jon seized presidential plane, a operating tank, vehicles, lorries, boats, and coffins; and exposed wild animals, killer snakes, bush meat, animal porn, toxic vodka, dodgy medication, bootleg prescriptions, pirated tablets, poisonous alcohol, firearms, side-arms, swords, explosives, stolen gold, soiled cash, blood diamonds, baby pornography, and each drug recognized to guy and some as but unknown ones. And the lifeless? He searched them, too. whilst you’ve confiscated every little thing from a suitcase complete human hair to a dwell monkey hidden within the lining of someone’s overcoat, you recognize you could by no means go back to an ordinary line of labor. yet then Jon went into undercover customs paintings, and issues turned particularly fascinating . . .

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Additional info for Anything to Declare?: The Searching Tales of an HM Customs Officer

Sample text

Granddad could pop his sporran there and you could prop him up in his favourite chair for a few weeks for company. One of the benefits of a cold climate. After a death abroad, next comes lots of paperwork: death certificate, embalming certificate, certificate of transportation, freedom from infection certificate. Once all these certificates are in place, they have to be checked by the local authorities and copies sent to the British Embassy. Next comes the physical stuff: the body must be sealed by a Spanish Customs officer in a zinc-lined coffin.

As he came through the green channel, he bounded over to where Mick and I were standing, undoing his belt and unzipping his trousers as he approached. Then he spun round and Mick and I – like a couple of astronomers looking at the night sky at a certain time of the month – were bathed in the unmistakable glare of a full moon. By this time, the rest of the passengers were split between a mixture of hysterics and horror. But all of them might have wondered why Mick and I were just chuckling. What they couldn’t see was that on his bared right cheek there was a brand new tattoo – a British bulldog smoking a large joint and, needled in irreversible ink underneath, were the words ‘BOLLOCKS!

This was due to the fact that the gasometers were to be filled with water to check for leaks and to measure pressure through the pipes to the aircraft stands. Pretty simple, you’d think. The day arrived and most of us turned up at work with bottled water; others would just wait till lunchtime and then fill up with beer. Everything was going tickety-boo. The tanks were filled and the pipes were ready to take the flow. Then Bang! Boom! Boom! Gush! The stopcocks gave up the ghost and exploded, one so violently that it embedded itself in a brick wall.

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Anything to Declare?: The Searching Tales of an HM Customs Officer by Jon Frost

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